A few days ago, I was tagged by a friend on Tumblr to post six selfies I’d taken in the past year. It’s one of those memes that’s meant to boost self-esteem, and then you tag more people to do it, their self-esteem gets boosted, etc. Of course not everyone wants to post selfies, or even *takes* selfies, but it’s nice nonetheless.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t think of many pictures I had taken of myself this year, so I scrolled through my phone to find some. I got my phone in early February, so most of the year is on it. As I scrolled, I recalled the year and the good times I’d recorded — and also the bad, hiding conspicuously between the good times on my phone, made all the more prominent by the fact that they aren’t there. You know what I mean: I remembered my year, but my phone only remembers the good times. To me, they’re glaringly not there.
As I scrolled, it occurred to me why I found 2015 so hard: it was a year of mounting frustration. One of the first excursions of the new year ended up being a disaster. Between February and April, two local friends moved far enough away that I rarely see them now. A couple months later, I got a raise and hour increase at work, which only last about six months, until I was let go. Much of my summer was taken up by visitors or travel, and while I had good times, everything was crammed together: work, entertain visiting friend, work, bf’s friend visits, work, fly to other coast to visit home for a week, work. I didn’t get a real break at all. Work got increasingly annoying, because even though my hours increased, my boss got busier, so I was often working by myself and felt isolated — but I was making good money finally, and didn’t want to quit. So naturally I was then let go when financial problems occurred. And now, finally, in the last three months of the year, I’m looking for new work that I still haven’t found.
Maybe that sounds exciting for some people, but this was too many ups and downs for me. And I didn’t even mention things like my boyfriend being sick/hurting his back, or times when I was sick, car problems, and financial problems of my own. I just felt like I couldn’t catch a break this year. Everything was in flux and it was terrible trying to keep myself from flying apart, being pulled in all sorts of directions, my insides always churning, making me feel terrible.
Next year, I’m taking it easy. I’m finding a job I can settle into, something that promises stability and perhaps even a desk to call my own. I don’t think I’ll go many places or take many trips that aren’t very short. I feel like I’ve lived too long without proper footholds and now I’m in desperate need of them. I’m too frustrated, not being able to stand on solid ground.