I’ve Never Watched Sex in the City, but I Know Exactly How to Fake Like I Have

I’m going to be a bridesmaid in my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding this August, and though I know I should be grateful that it’s going to be a small event and that I get to pick my own dress, the actual search for the appropriate attire is actually really fucking frustrating.

(Yeah, I’m going to use bad words and run-on sentences on this blog sometimes. You’ll get used it.)

Here are a few important details about the wedding:

  • It’s being held on a beach in the middle of August.
  • It’s a small, private affair. To give an example, my boyfriend is officiating.
  • The color scheme is lavender and white.

Here are a few details about me, in regards to the previous details:

  • I’m bad with heat and I can’t swim.
  • I hate wearing white.
  • I’m short as all get out.
  • I just went through what a co-worker calls “second puberty,” a problem the both of us had at the end of our early twenties when our bodies decided to try and convince us to get pregnant by widening our hips and giving us more boob fat. Due to this annoying bodily reshaping, half my clothing doesn’t fit anymore and I’m spending way too much on finding ones that do.

My initial idea was to wear a white maxi dress with white flip flops and possibly dye my hair lavender, because its been stranger colors and I’m sure I won’t be employed at the time (which is part of longer story I might get to at a later time). Sadly, with my second puberty did not come a growth spurt, so at 4 foot 11 and 3/4 inches, maxi dresses are just too long for me, and I don’t look forward to trailing sand everywhere I go after the ceremony. Hair dying is on hold, as the color would be too faded if I bothered dying it now, but the flip flops are still doable so long as Old Navy doesn’t go out of business.

I’m also limited by money, considering all the other clothes shopping I’ve been doing, as well as a plethora of other monetary troubles that just won’t stop: I haven’t been paid yet this summer, despite being 5 weeks into my job, because of HR problems; having just attended a comic book convention to which I mistakenly took my little brother as a graduation present, where he spent most of his time guilting me into buying him things; and of course, a certain sequel to a 10+ year old cult game and holy shit when did video games get so expensive? So, in sum, I’m on a budget.

I’ve already exhausted both H&Ms in my city, and I don’t think I can trust Forever21 clothing to not fall apart on me. I tried ModCloth, but as I’ve mostly avoided it due to their abundance of pretties and my lack of money, I have only just learned how large the dresses run and how not-well they would fit. Wet Seal yielded similar results, as a dress I had my eye on managed to be too big for me, even in a size small. And finally, it’s summer and every single dress is suddenly full of eyelet patterns. I fucking hate eyelet patterns.

But then I think about why I’m even bent of wearing white. The color scheme is white and lavender, so why don’t I just wear lavender?

Part of that problem is my inability to identify lavender. Where I see lavender, the retailer sees “dusty purple” or “lilac.” Is there a difference? What if it doesn’t match the other lavender? But wouldn’t wearing white upstage the bride, or something asinine like that? How the hell should I know?

But, enough whining. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. Here are some horribly cheap dresses from horribly cheap places that I probably won’t even end up buying anyway.

Target

Both of these are automatically disqualified due to my lack of knowledge about lavender, the fact that they are essentially the same dress plus or minus a rose, and because it is really creepy how Target cuts off the top halves of all their models’ heads.


I like this because it does look like a dress you would wear on a beach. The model’s even wearing it with sandals! But the lack of waist makes me worry I would, you know, look as short as I am. Usually I can fool people, but not in this.

Alloy


I feel rather drawn to this one, but probably because I believe that line on the bottom is an underskirt. The main problem with wearing white, other than the suddenly acquired ability to spill things all over yourself, is that it is so. Goddamn. See-through. And that’s not exactly appropriate for a wedding, especially one given by your eventual in-laws.

But that’s all I’ve been able to scrounge up. I’m graduating from college in, oh, a week and a day, so perhaps I can get a rich relative to help me out via congratulatory cards, but I somehow don’t see that happening. Whatever I do, I’m just really glad I will probably only have to wear this dress once just like if I was getting married!

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2 Comments

Filed under the science of appearances

2 responses to “I’ve Never Watched Sex in the City, but I Know Exactly How to Fake Like I Have

  1. I like the first white dress! Maybe you could fix the no-waist problem by getting a lavender belt? Finding one to buy would be very tricky, but it’d be pretty easy to knit! I’d be happy to knit something for you if you wanted :D

    • Aww, Kate, that’s os nice of you! Thank you for offering! <3 I wouldn't know where to tell you to send it, though. I'll get back to you about it soon. And thanks again!

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